Finals are a Piece of Cake: Horoscopes Week of 5/8

The end is near…especially for you, Taurus.  You’re just gonna fail.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Seriously, you should really start studying.  I know you’re going to fail all of your exams because you are way too busy liking my obscure Insta posts.  Stop it.  Get away from me forever!

Study Snack: Shit.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Do not fear Gemini! Some A’s are going to come your way.  Stay calm, I know you’re nervous.  Just hunker down and study hard and write those papers.  Once it is all done, you can do it!

Study snack:  Lemon basil cakes from Game of Thrones

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Moodiness is hitting you like a brick.  Eat a Snickers.  Kidding, make sure you fill your backpack with lots of fun snacks for your late of studying at the library.  Say hey to that cutie and see what happens.  Probably nothing.

Study Snack:  Peanut butter cupcake, unless you’re allergic

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Wow, cocky much?  You really think you’re going to ace all of your finals.  Well, guess what?  You will do just average.  Yes, I said it.  You’re just average.  Don’t forget it, Leo.  AVERAGE JUST AN AVERAGE JOE.

Study Snack: Vanilla cakelette with whole milk

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
GET ON THE FLOOR LIKE J.LO, VIRGO! This is your last chance of the semester  to go hard on the floor at Mugz’s!  Forget finals.  You won’t remember what you got on it anyway.  Who cares about philosophy? I mean, Aristotle, but he’s dead so….

Study snack:  Melty rum raisin ice cream in a waffle cone

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Libra, Libra, Libra.  What are we going to do with you? You need to not do that.  I want to tell you what to do, but you’re your own person ya know?  I mean, like just do that, yeah that.  Wait, wait, not that!  Omg, can’t you get anything right?

Study snack:  ambiguous bag of something from somewhere around here

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Woah, slow it down Scorpio.  You are getting yourself into something way too quickly.  You need to study.  Please.  You gotta do well, your sparkling personality cannot get you everywhere.  Wait, yes it can.  Keep doing you.

Study snack: Strawberry champagne on ice, lucky for you, that’s what I like

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 19)
Are you using The Lonely Island as study music?  That is kinda weird.  Listening to “Jizz in my Pants” is kinda weird when you are reading about St. Augustine.  As long as it gets you that B+ you’re looking at on Wednesday, I guess it’s okay….

Study snack:  Animal crackers in the shape of bees.  They’re dying at an alarming rate, did you know?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Please stop taking your entire room to Club Lib.  You will 1000% get in a fight with someone over it on Wednesday if you are not careful.  There is really no reason for you to bring a hairdryer and a sleeping bag.

Study snack: S’mores, the real deal, no Fluff

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You are totally going to get the $25 fine from 24 for 25 rule today.  It is going to ruin your entire week sorry :/ that sucks!  Maybe take up running to get out all of your frustration with Fordham’s Res Life rules.  It may help!

Study snack: Cliff bar cheesecake

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re having a stress breakout, damn is that a volcano on your nose? Kidding, but also I’m kinda serious.  Stop by Walgreens and get some zit cream.  I promise it will not work because none of that stuff ever works!

Study snack: Kelp-O

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Not gonna lie, it is going to be your week.  The stars say it.  Something will happen in the caf on Tuesday that is just magical to you.  It may be the exhaustion, but you will really be hit with something fantastic.  It may just be someone dropping a fire stack of pancakes on your lap tho….

Study snack: Nutella syringe straight in the mouth

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