That’s Why It’s Gon’ Be May: Horoscopes Week of 5/1

Happy Spring! But not to you, Taurus.  I still hate you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
I do not care about you.  Stop being passive aggressive and annoying and UGH! Stop! Go away! I hope the rest of your birthday moon SUCKS! I mean, I don’t but I DO! GET AWAY FROM ME UGH!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Do not be nervous as finals approach!  You will be fine! I promise! And once they’re done, it’s your birthday moon! Yay!  Just study hard and don’t make too many whacky decisions, Gemini.  You better listen to me.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
DO NOT GO TO THE BEACH!  You will be attacked by a giant crab and I have no idea if you will be able to stop it.  Crabs are scary and you should really be more wary of them.  I once read this crazy short story about crabs.  It was scary.  Stay away from crabs.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Ah, Leo.  You have fallen in love– with yourself! Stop fogging up the mirror with your breath and maybe Windex that ish up because your roommate will not appreciate the spit residue.  Get outside this week and live a little.  Let your mane fly free, babe.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Virgo! You dog!  I think you may be blushing or you are sunburnt.  I don’t know.  It is spring now.  Tuesday is going to be a bit windy so tie your hair back and let the world go by.  Just put on sunscreen.  I do not think that you would be blushing on your knee.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Wow, what a weekend, am I right?!?!?!  NO!  LIBRA, TIMEFLIES WAS OUR ACT WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?! GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR BUTT! HOW ARE YOU GOING TO FINISH THIS YEAR?! GOOD LUCK OUT THERE THE STARS CAN’T HELP YA.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Honey bean, you need to chill with the whole edible thing.  We get it, it is nice out and there are people doing the devil’s lettuce but you’re too cool to actually smoke it, so you eat it.  Chill out, you will end up in a garbage can if you’re not careful.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 19)
This week will fly by for you…until Tuesday night because there is no paper meeting 😦 #sad and all of a sudden, you will get super impatient because the weekend isn’t here fast enough.  Well, too damn bad.  Go play checkers or something.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Babe, you have stumbled and fallen way too much recently.  You are going to fall down the hill by Martyr’s Court, but after, you will get up and go on with life.  It will be great and better and this year will end with a bang!

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You’re totally gonna beat someone up Thursday.  I can feel it in between my toes.  My grandmother always told me that when your nose itches, you will be getting into a fight.  So, it could be allergies or it could be a fight. IDK!

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The stars were right! You didn’t beat up that paper editor.  It’s okay, you’ll get her this week when you find some rotten hard boiled eggs (score!) and chuck them at her from your res hall window.  Ha! Got em’!

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Aries, it is Monday.  You will have a shitty Monday because it is fricken’ MONDAY.  RIP you! But the rest of your week will be fun and great and nice and sunny and sweet.  Treat yourself to cake on Thursday.  Don’t ask, just do it.

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