Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again: Horoscopes Week of 4/24

Let’s get Swedish…the paper is bringing ABBA back for y’all!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Honestly, fuck you Taurus.  You will have a shitty Spring Weekend.  I don’t wanna talk about things we’ve gone through, BECAUSE YOU SUCK.  You’ll probably go gamble and then lose it all.  Sucks to suck.

ABBA Song: “The Winner Takes it All”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Hi there Gemini! It is almost your season get excited!  Be careful about being two-faced this Spring Weekend.  You may cause a fight at Under the Tent because of this– watch out.

ABBA Song: “Super Trouper”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
If you are a senior Cancer, you will be a little too sentimental and you will cry a hella lot.  If you are not a senior, you’ll still cry.  You may find yourself scrapbooking too much.  Take a walk and cry in the Botans.  It won’t feel better but at least you’ll be exercising.

ABBA Song: “Slipping Through My Fingers”

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
We get it, Leo.  You’re a star.  Your Campus Moviefest film is great just stop bragging about it because you’re just being an ass.  You may want to put more sunscreen for the Spring Weekend concert because it’ll be hot, hot, hot for you! Take that as you will.

ABBA Song: “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Don’t be too critical with your Under the Tent outfit this weekend.  To be honest, no one will notice what you’re wearing because everyone will be super SMASHED, yo.  Just wear what you want to.  Don’t worry about it!

ABBA Song: “Chiquitita”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You may be a bit indecisive on Thursday with the whole Ice-T speaker thing.  Don’t ask me if you should go.  The stars don’t care if you go or not.  It probably won’t change the path of your life forever, buddy.

ABBA Song: “Take a Chance on Me”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Seriously, jealous?  This isn’t anything new for you.  Don’t fret it when you see someone that you don’t want to.  Just blue ball ’em– I mean, like metaphorically.  Do your own version of blue balling idk.  Ima stop.

ABBA Song:  “Does Your Mother Know?”

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You have been telling people all week that you know who the Spring Weekend act is because you’re such a know-it-all.  Well, guess what? You were wrong with all of them! Ha! Jokes on you!

ABBA Song: “Money, Money, Money”

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Hi honey.  Have you ever been told you’re a good listener? Well, this horoscope website, I mean the stars, are telling me you are.  You’re too good of a listener so you will go deaf from listening to the music from the Spring Weekend artist on uber loud.

ABBA Song: “S.O.S.”

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You put too much trust into CAB to get Halsey, so you may be disappointed when it is not her.  One of the paper editors made up that rumor for fun.  She’s a mean Scorpio are you surprised?  Beat her up at Under the Tent, the stars say you won’t. Scaredy cat.

ABBA Song: “Mamma Mia”

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Put on some sunscreen.  Even though you are a fire sign, you still have to be careful in the sun especially during the concert.  Don’t get impatient and put it on too frequently because you may be a bit too slippery in the crowd.

ABBA Song:  “Our Last Summer”

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