Horoscopes: What is Even Going on?

It is going to be a ~steamy~ week, friends!

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Yo Aries, what’s up?  I will tell you: nothing.  Well, nothing yet.  A huge, coal-powered locomotive is coming your way Thursday.  This could be good or bad depending on your feelings about trains.  Maybe try and jump on, or just stand by idly as it passes.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Stop being stubborn for once.  Jeez, can you seriously chill?  As some retribution from the stars, your glasses will fog up on Tuesday and you’ll literally run into someone you don’t want to see.  Ha, serves you right.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’ll be exploring a lot this week Gemini! You’re going to actually learn something!  You will make the mistake of going to a vape shop and dropping about $300 on vape paraphernalia.  No, you will not buy a vape and no, all this shit will not get you any suitors.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will be super moody this week.  About 17 people will ask you if you are on your period– even if you are not a menstruating human.  Yikes.  Be careful when that special person asks you to Crust Above and Hug, because you will just steam em’ out.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Turn your shower temp down a bit.  You are wasting all of the water on this Earth.  Do you even care? Probably not you vain little bitch.  No one cares if the hot steam clears your pores.  No one will care 20 years (or seconds for that matter) from now.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You are going to run into an ex and have a hot encounter.  It will literally be hot.  You will be sweating bullocks and you forgot deodorant.  Wait, your ex isn’t sweating?  They must really be a seriously toxic person…because their body isn’t releasing toxins….

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Stop it.  I don’t even know what you are trying to do – just stop.  You’re not being level-headed.  Go eat some Cheetos and listen to some Kanye West.  I really think you have to stop whatever it is you’re doing.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Is it hot in here, or is it just me? Scorpio, you look like a lobster so you bet it’ll be a steamy week for you.  Not really sure what that means…you’re either going to literally be steamed in a pot or go on a date or something.  You’ll figure it out.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’re going to be super stressed (sorry).  You’ll probs cry a bunch and then sleep on the floor without realizing it.  Once the weekend hits, try to blow off some steam by literally blowing some.  Tag up with a Gemini and head to the vape shop but don’t actually vape.  It’s fun just watching other people do it.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Hi there, Capricorn!  You are an air sign, so you know steam quite well.  You will totally mingle with some evaporated water and hit it off.  I am no scientist, but I think you’ll find love with a water sign this week.  Maybe not.  I am not an astrologer either.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Hey, there!  You’re finally going to be inducted into that legendary squad on campus.  I don’t know who they are.  Why are you asking me?  You’re the one being inducted!  Good golly.  Stop blowing smoke out of your ears.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week will be fun.  That’s all I can say. My magic star mirror is all fogged up.

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