Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your birthday will suck. Have fun eating cake by yourself! LOSER!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’re too fucking lazy & stubborn to do shit. So when you fall in a ditch tomorrow, you won’t do anything
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Pick up some concealer because both of your faces will break out this week. Yikes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
No one will value your creativity this week…grab a tissue box and stay indoors as much as you can.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Congrats on being full of yourself! It’ll bite you in the ass on Wed. when your roomie smashes your mirrors
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Hope you like ass tattoos because you’re getting one Friday against your (sober) will!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your friends are going on a trip without you. Sad! Too bad for you; sucks to suck, you sensitive bean.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’re a bitch and a hoe. You know no one likes you but you don’t care. Kudos to you!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Literally, not figuratively, no one will laugh at anything you say this week. Or next week. Or ever.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You know nothing actually. Have fun failing life for the next few days. The stars don’t lie.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
This week you’ll finally tell your crush you like them, but you’ll puke all over yourself after. #RIP
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will not be left alone and you will be swarmed with bees Saturday. Hopefully, you’re not allergic