Honey dew? More Like Honey DON’T! Why the Green Melon Sucks
by Jack Archambault
Staff Fruit Fly
First, let me preface this by saying that this article does not belong in the Opinions section because everything I am about to say is the indisputable truth. I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life, and my very existence is more debatable than the fact that honeydew is the worst fruit.
What makes honeydew so bad is not necessarily that it tastes bad; it is just offensively bland. It does not taste bad in the way that cheese tastes bad (you can fight me on this) or the way snake shit tastes bad (I assume). It’s more of a massive disappointment. Nothing simultaneously raises and then crushes my spirits like seeing fruit salad in the cafeteria and then discovering that the bowl is chock-full of honeydew. That’s because honeydew can take a fruit salad from an A to a C+, at least. It is nothing but a hard, tasteless obstacle that one must either ignore or choke down in order to get to the good stuff. The perfect fruit salad should contain cantaloupe, strawberries, pineapples, raspberries, and blueberries, just for some size variation. You can throw grapes in there if you want, but they’re more of a sixth man, better served coming off the bench when another fruit is unavailable. Honeydew, however, ranks somewhere around 12th or 13th on this list of ideal fruits. To even put it in the conversation as a top-tier fruit that belongs in a salad is simply insulting to the consumer and to every other fruit that has any semblance of flavor.
What truly gets to me, though, is that it is nearly impossible to come across a fruit salad that does not contain honeydew. There is no possible way that I can be the only person who detests this green trash. Given how abundant it is, sometimes I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. However, I have learned that there is a reason for the superfluous amounts of honeydew that we get. It is roughly half as expensive as cantaloupe. Plus, buffets like to put it out because it looks nice next to cantaloupe and watermelon, even though it is typically served out of season and most of it is wasted. Even the people who put honeydew on fruit platters know it’s bland as hell and universally detested, but it is more of a garnish to make other fruits look more enticing. At this point, I’m actually just sad for honeydew. Its pointless existence is only perpetuated because it’s cheap and looks good at first glance. Maybe instead of poking fun at honeydew we should just be a little less cruel towards it.
But then again, maybe not. At the end of the day, honeydew is still about as flavorful as lettuce, and I can easily think of fifteen fruits that I would rather eat. Don’t believe me? Here they are: watermelon, cantaloupe, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, pineapples, grapes, apples, oranges, mangoes, peaches, kiwis, bananas, blackberries, and starfruit. I have never even eaten a starfruit, but I am confident that it cannot possibly taste any worse than honeydew. I know that because honeydew is a bland melon for bland people. Honeydew is the melon for the John Smiths of the world. I am willing to bet any amount of money that ex-Bachelor Ben Higgins, possibly the blandest person alive, eats honeydew like there’s no tomorrow. Every time I see honeydew, in all of its beige-green glory, I have to wonder, can anyone hate honeydew more than honeydew must hate itself?