You’re either tot, or you’re not.
By the paper staff
While everyone was enjoying themselves over President’s Day weekend, the paper staff was hard at work editing this current issue. Our many hours got us thinking, “what the fuck even is President’s day?” Instead of a day dedicated to men who have had a questionable impact on the world, the paper staff submitted our own ideas on what obscure holidays should go mainstream.
International Tater Tot Day
by Napoleon Dynamite
“Are you gonna eat your tots?” Well, on February 2nd, everyone should be eating tater tots!!! We need to make National Tater Tot Day INTERNATIONAL Tater Tot Day. If you’re from Canada, that means Tasti Taters. If you’re from Australia, that means potato pom-poms. If you’re a weirdo, that means potato rounds. Any way you put it, tater tots are undervalued and deserve to be eaten on the same day worldwide. Tater tots are the perfect food because of their undeniable tastiness and versatility. First of all, a tater tot is the beautiful baby of a French fry and a hash brown all in bite size form. Plus, they can be conveniently eaten at breakfast, lunch, dinner, or a late night snack (not to mention they can be easily transported in cargo short pockets). God Bless Ore-Ida.
Happy Lief Erickson Day
by Spongebob Squarepants
A holiday I really love celebrating with my best friend, Patrick, is Leif Erikson Day. It’s on October 9 th every year, and Mr. Krabs even lets me take the day off! The holiday honors Leif Erikson, a Norse explorer who led the first Europeans to North America. One Leif Erikson Day, my friend Patrick was busy buying giant paper, so I had to find a new friend to celebrate it with. After trying to play with a stick and a sink, I made friends with Bubble Buddy. We had lots of fun on Leif Erikson Day, which is why you should celebrate it too. You can celebrate it by eating at the Krusty Krab, dancing with some bubble-butts, and going to the bathroom for the first time. Leif Erikson Day is a great holiday, hinga dinga durgen!
Happiness is a Choice, Unless it isn’t
by Maybe a Sociopath
While not necessarily a holiday per se, I think that we should as a country should recognize that August is National Admit You’re Happy Month. I think this month long celebration has a lot of potential in a world surrounded by negativity, let’s have Americans admit that their lives aren’t really that bad relative to some other places. Some individuals have trouble admitting that they’re happy, they thrive in negativity; its time as a country for us to encourage everyone to be happy using good friends, tasty food, some red-hot pokers, and an inquisition or two. Long story short, we need EVERYONE to be happy, whether they like it or not.
by Rachel Poe
Let’s just celebrate puppies guys. National Puppy Day is March 23rd and it’s a fantastic idea. Just Google it and then go to the images and LOOK AT ALL THE CUTENESS. Puppies are amazing, dogs are amazing, and they love us unconditionally so clearly we need to just honor their fluffy wonderfulness. If it was actually a national holiday then school should be closed and I could go home to see my own puppy. I haven’t seen him since the beginning of the semester and I’m going through withdrawal. I need love from a puppy asap. But if we can’t get the day off for National Puppy Day, we should definitely have adoption fairs set up everywhere so people can adopt the little love bugs or just get some love themselves. Did I mention I love puppies? PUPPIES.
The Day of the Pumpkin
by Michael Sheridan
National pumpkin day (October 26th) should be the next major holiday in America. Think of all the great things we get from pumpkin: pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie, and who could forget, pumpkin spice lattes. Pumpkin carving is an American tradition and Halloween wouldn’t be the same without it. And how would any pinterest blogger ever decorate for fall without these delightful orange fruits. Pumpkins come in all shapes and sizes, from adorable mini pumpkins, to hundred pound prize winners, yet they are all equally wonderful. We could all use a day to reflect on this lesson and on all the great moments that pumpkins have brought into our lives.
Celebrate Your Body
by Claire Nunez
Holidays are a waste if you ask me. We should all live in a communist-style world where nothing matters and every day is the same. If holidays have to be a thing, International Nude Day should be widely observed. I just really like not wearing clothes sometimes. It’s freeing. Thank goodness this holiday is in July (on the 14th, happy Bastille Day!!!!), because the only thing I like more than being naked is being cozy and warm. I refuse to be uncomfortable– hence the whole wanting to be nude thing. It’s also great that it is in the summer because for one day, and one day only, my tan will be even. Actually, I am not entirely sure as to why I care if my tan is even because I don’t get tan, nor do I sunburn. Either way, it would be fun and I would not have to worry about my bathing suit falling down, or my shorts getting stuck to my thighs. All good things. So, this upcoming July, International Nude Day shall be celebrated by yours truly. I’m kidding; I’ll never be able to be nude for a full day without getting paranoid. Yikes on bikes!