“We’re NOT the Same!!!” A Cry for Help from Two paper Editors

Editor’s Note: I’ll buy the first person to say they’re different pizza.

Ever since Michael Jack started working for the paper, the rest of the editorial staff has been cracking jokes about how alike he and John Looby are in almost every way much to their exhaustion. While it is all fun and games, they have expressed the need for some ground rules for this shit to potentially remind everybody that they are not in any way the same person. Sure, they both wear basically the same clothes, have a monotone voice, have the same interests, drink lots of beer, and complain a lot, but that’s where the similarities end ac­cording to these two paper editors.

Michael Jack O’Brien’s Take:

Seeing how killing you in your sleep is not an option, here’s a list of all the reasons that I- Michael Jack, Jack Mi­chael O’Brien- am definitely NOT like John “Cheap Doppelganger” Looby.

1.I wear hats: On top of just being a generally more beautiful human be­ing, I also wear hats a lot. Granted I only actually own a single baseball cap, a beat up and chlorine stained Specialized Mountain Bike hat. The point is that I have NEVER seen you wear anything atop your head aside from that dead raccoon you call a haircut. I’m pretty sure that this al­ready puts a point in my favor.

2.My name does not come up as a typo in Microsoft Word: I know that you have trouble with spelling, but this is just ridiculous. I’m going to assume that whoever created your last name was drunk or was trying to say a dif­ferent last name and just mumbled.What kind of last name is Looby, any­way? It sounds like the name of a bath sponge, or something involving mu­cus. That’s two points for me.

3. I didn’t sacrifice my body to the military industrial complex: I don’t have anything against the military, I actually think it’s fucking awesome. But you have to fight for THE MAN, MAN. And the man in this case is Don­ald Trump, so…sucks to be you. One point.

4. I didn’t wear pinnies, ever: Lis­ten John, even if you had flow, even if you knew how to string a lacrosse stick, even if you’ve ever used the word “Lax” as a verb, there is NO EX­CUSE for wearing lacrosse pinnies like its regular clothing you looked like a MASSIVE DOUCHE. I’m sorry, that’s the truth. Infinite points I win forever and I’m also the best. SUCK IT.

twins
Just look at these two morons.

 

John Looby’s Take:

Hey there Jack Michael Or Michael Jack (Who really fucking knows? {Do YOU even know?}).

I just thought I should clear the air here about this whole you being a “discounted dollar store version of me that will be probably be recalled” thing. I understand this may make you feel uncomfortable, but honestly, you should be honored. It’s not every day you get com­pared to some­one who looks like they shop from the 1950’s edition of a Sears catalog. Also, I think you could take some in­put from that catalog because god­damn it, who the fuck wears a button up and sweat pants? Is your life just one unending Skype interview? Are you applying to replace me as most generically white guy faced member of the staff? You are probably the most qualified for the position.

Since you decided that this has to be a listicle fight then it is game on, motherfucker. Here’s a list of reasons why I am not you and honestly just a little, and by little I mean not at all a little, the superior editor and J named person.

1. My Eyes aren’t baggy enough to get all the groceries in one trip. I’m not quite certain what happened to age your eyes fifty years more than the rest of your body, but if I had to guess it is due to you religiously studying my three Facebook photos in an attempt to improve your lackluster imperson­ation.

2. I can manage to speak about things besides the website. Seriously man no one cares about the web­site. No one. Especially not Fordham (shout out to the budget committee).

3. You talk about Overwatch. I have never played Overwatch. Hearing you talk about it does not make me want to play it at all.

4. I was here first. Yeah, we’re go­ing with chronological precedence here, bitch.

5. People are absolutely certain what my name is. Start wearing a nametag. Please.

6. You edit Features and List. Fea­tures and List is a garbage section for garbage people, with the exception of Michael Sheridan. You’re lucky Luis won’t let me replace any of the sec­tions with collages of dogs.

7. Apparently, you’re a sophomore. I swore you were a freshman. Anyway, I’m a junior. Which is a different grade because we’re different fucking peo­ple @RACHEL.

8. You spend time in Rodrigues. You can’t deny it. You did it. You are one of them.

Editor’s note: they’re the same person, this article was a waste of space…

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