Fordham Orangutan Accused of Truancy And Airplane Misconduct

Going back to school is surprisingly like entering the jungle

by Christopher Jeske
Staff Primate

On January 16, freshman Christopher Jeske returned to New York following a relaxing winter recess. During his break, Christopher enjoyed the company of his extended family and old high school acquaintances. It seemed this hiatus from schoolwork so thoroughly liberated Mr. Jeske’s mind that he entirely disregarded his life as a college student.

When asked how things were going amidst his vacation, he simply described his work as a dishwasher at the local pancake shop. A number of confused relatives timidly approached Christopher’s parents regarding his first semester only to be fiercely shushed. Mr. and Mrs. Jeske were of the firm belief that Christopher “could use a break from the stresses of academia, even if he has to forget what academia is altogether.”

It was not until he touched the ground at LaGuardia airport that Christopher Jeske realized the true nature of his existence. Passengers aboard United Flight 66B describe Christopher’s shrieks upon landing as “blood curdling, irritating, and embarrassingly effeminate.” Disturbing the slumber of an infant with his emotive screams, Christopher Jeske was forcefully cast from the plane onto the tarmac by an unenthused flight attendant. While hoisted above the heads of two muscular TSA agents, Mr. Jeske requested an Uber.

Recalling only the borough of his school, Christopher set the destination to “The Bronx” and allowed himself to be thrown into his Uber driver Chandra’s 2007 Toyota Camry. In their haste, TSA agents Kareem and Ashton neglected to retrieve Christopher’s checked luggage containing his mother’s world famous pork chops and pistachio cranberry cookies. When they arrived, Chandra lifted Christopher and his things from her backseat and placed them on the sidewalk. Tugging his luggage behind him, Mr. Jeske strode confidently through the main campus gate in the direction of his residence hall, Alumni Court South. As Christopher trekked, he noted that the buildings he was passing bore stark similarities to cages. Not recalling such modern architecture, his stride quickened, fearful of the hallucinations that seemed to be plaguing Fordham’s Campus.

While accelerating to a trot, Christopher began to hear hair-raising screeches. These noises grew ever louder until he could no longer bear them. He fell to his knees and held his ears to cease the sound. Still, monstrous wails and roars shook the ground on which he knelt. Understanding that this nightmare would not relent, Christopher returned to his feet and uncovered his ears.

As he surveyed his surroundings in further depth, he found himself entirely unfamiliar with the student body he saw. To his left, he noted a group of immodestly hairy classmates slapping one another with bananas. To his right, he observed a herd of intricately tattooed fellows, casually eating grass.

Though deeply confused by this behavior, Christopher sheepishly carried on in the direction of South, resolving that he had been disillusioned by the comforts of home and was now unaccustomed to the east coast. But when he reached the northernmost point of campus, Mr. Jeske was dismayed to find no sign of Martyr’s, Rodrigue’s, or South. With apt millennial instincts, Christopher quickly consulted Google Maps.

Zooming intensely, he found his current location to be adjacent to Fordham’s campus, though visibly outside. Perceiving his situation, Mr. Jeske then reviewed the details of his latest Uber trip. In this cross examination, Christopher discovered he had accidentally routed himself to The Bronx Zoo. Ashamed of his ignorant mistake, he then elected to remain at the zoo indefinitely as an addition to the monkey exhibit. Our most recent sources indicate that he was being slapped violently with bananas. Alas, he has been accepted.

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