If I Was Your Boyfriend, I Might Have To Let You Go At This Point

Former fan chronicles Bieber’s downward spiral
By Connor O’Brien
Co-Editor News

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Alright guys, I want a confession from one of you. Which one of you poor excuses for Beliebers said “never?” No volunteers? I know it was one of you, God forbid more than one. When you say never, even though Justin specifically said not to, he loses power. Like Tinkerbell, or Santa in Elf. He’s been doing some seriously fucked up things recently, and one of you is to blame. We’re not leaving till I know who it is.

As much as it pains me to admit it in writing, I am a former Justin Bieber fan. Though I like to tell myself that I was at the golden mean of Bieber worship, I then have to remind myself that I went to go see Never Say Never, purple 3-D glasses and all. Looking back, I justify my horrendous choice in taste by chalking it up to a misguided infatuation of the world’s least favorite Canadian. Also, at this time, I’d lke to point out to the reader that Justin and I are the same age, so my crush was only horrible in a personal, and not a white-van and mustache, kind of way. However, going through my iTunes reveals a staggeringly high amount of plays of certain choice cuts from My World 2.0. Like an addict straight out of rehab, though, I will readily admit that I’ve been cured of the affliction known as being a “Belieber.” The reason why I gradually stopped liking the dude was that I finally admitted to myself that he’s a fucking idiot.

To be fair, as most will point out, not many people have their lives together at age nineteen, myself included. But, living in the public eye as one of the most sought-out paparazzi targets, you’ve got to imagine that there are some things that you really just shouldn’t do. Recently, after an hour-long visit to the house where Anne Frank hid out during the Nazi occupation of the Netherlands in World War II, Bieber wrote in the guest book: “Truly inspiring to be able to come here, Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Belieber.” Once again, this recent controversy drew many in defense of the young star, including Frank’s stepsister, who said that it was good that Bieber drew attention to the young girl’s plight, which may inspire young people to read her story. Unfortunately, that didn’t pan out too well when Twitter indicated that “#WhoIsAnneFrank” was trending globally. While this may be the only incident that may offend the casual reader, the rest of his downward spiral consists of some of the strangest behavior ever exhibited by a celebrity, outside the realm of Gary Busey or Dennis Rodman.

Earlier this month, Bieber faced a $2,000 dollar fine due to giving a tattoo of a “muscular mouse” with the caption “SWAGGY” without a license. In March, a video of Justin throwing up on stage during the middle of a dance number surfaced. Slightly before that, he posted a picture of himself exposing his ass on his Instagram as an apparent prank on his manager/creepy adopted big brother Scooter Braun. His friend, world-famous rapper Lil Twist, crashed his $500,000 Bentley while trying to avoid paparazzi. However, perhaps the oddest thing that Bieber has recently made news for was illegally transporting his pet capuchin monkey, Mally, across the Atlantic in his private jet. After landing in Munich, customs authorities seized the animal and Justin now faces a fine in excess of $15,000. This definitely reminds me of another eccentric pop star who had a monkey that he took everywhere with him. I’d tell you his name, but that would probably be “bad” journalism. Besides, the choices seem pretty “black and white” to me. It’s Michael Jackson. Justin Bieber could end up as crazy as Michael God Damn Jackson was.

While these anecdotes are definitely amusing, they also pose an important question: do the alternately trivial and extravagant details of this young man’s life really make the world different in any measurable way? Unfortunately, the American public’s sycophantic obsession with celebrity behaviors, especially in an instantly gratified and infinitely connected society, has made Bieber’s every action national news that affects millions of people daily. Granted, most of these people are teenage girls (…and me), but he creates some sort of rallying point and general sympathy, both very powerful impacts. Personally, I’ve had many discussions with friends about how insane and self-centered this guy must be, but maybe I should be more inclined to be a defender, as I once was. No matter how much your friends from high school may disagree, Justin is a very talented and dedicated performer who didn’t become famous solely on the merits of his attention-whoring antics. I’m assuming that most of these stories are coming from Mr. Deeds-esque undercover “journalists” desperate for hits on their gossip site. Let’s not forget that on New Year’s Day, a paparazzo was struck in traffic and killed in LA while trying to nab a picture of Bieber smoking weed in his Ferrari. The car in question wasn’t even owned by Justin. So I admit, it’s been fun up to this point to marvel at one of the most interesting downward spirals in celebrity history, but maybe it’s time to leave it alone. It’s getting a little stale, anyways.

But first, can we please talk about what the fuck Amanda Bynes just did to her face?

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