Ruining the world one bitch fit at a time
by Will Speros
During my time working on the paper, I feel like I’ve made something of an effort to help our readers get to know a little bit about me. I have spoken often about my love of movies, as well as the fact that I would rather spend time with food than most of the people I know. However, there is one major aspect of my personality that I have never mentioned in my articles, and I feel it would be an injustice not to write about the strongest belief I hold: Katherine Heigl is the worst human who has ever walked the face of the Earth.
Let me be clear: if someone were ever in debt to me, and offered me the chance to have anyone I wanted killed (much like Arya Stark in season two of Game of Thrones), I’m pretty sure Katherine Heigl would be at the top of my list. It’s a pragmatic decision; she’s a much more accessible target than Kony or any other warmonger, although in my book she’s of the same caliber.
Let me explain.
Heigl really made a big splash when she appeared in Knocked Up, a movie which went on to achieve considerable critical and commercial success. But all that success was not able to stop Heigl from making highly hypocritical comments that, at the very least, made her sound pretty ungrateful to Judd Apatow for casting her in a movie that allowed her to achieve notoriety beyond television’s worst show (we’ll get to Grey’s later). She was quoted in Vanity Fair calling the film “sexist” and that it “paints women as shrews, as humorless and uptight.” These comments obviously pissed a lot of people off, and the media had a field day. Naturally, Heigl bullshitted an excuse where she claimed she intended for her comments to “encourage other women . . . not to take that element of the movie too seriously.” What?
Call me crazy, but portraying a woman who is brave enough to keep the child she conceives from a night of drunken sex, and steps up to the plate to try and maintain a civilized relationship with the father for the sake of the kid, is a lot more admirable role for a woman to play than some chick who sits at a fucking desk all day long pining for her boss and daydreaming about getting married (27 Dresses). Or, for that matter, a woman who crumbles under pressure of basic work assignments and handles guns like she’s picking up a dead cockroach off the floor even as she’s being shot at (Killers). But I digress, and I’m also not a woman, so I won’t speak as if I am one. But I will say, from my perspective, the film roles she seems drawn to nowadays degrade women a lot more than her character in Knocked Up ever could have.
Now let’s talk about all the drama Heigl caused while on Grey’s Anatomy. I never followed the show, but when there was kerfuffle around her rejecting an Emmy nomination and blaming it on her writers, I took notice. The rumors (that Heigl and her team seem to have made every effort to bury) involved Heigl rejecting ABC’s plan to put her up for consideration for another Emmy nomination, on the grounds that her writers had not given her enough screen-time or good enough material to deserve a nomination. The writers, who were obviously offended by such a prima donna move, decided to accommodate Heigl’s request for more screen-time in the most badass way possible: they gave her character a terminal illness. Hats off to these writers for not taking any shit, and for reminding all of Hollywood not to fuck with your writers.
Heigl endured her time as a dying woman, but, like a true asshole, fought her way out of her contract and bailed on the show altogether. Unfortunately, her character did not get killed off. You’d think that her saga of saying hypocritical things about her own career decisions would have ended, but no. Heigl stated in 2012 that she regrets her decision to leave Grey’s Anatomy, and hopes that the producers will ask her to return at some point.
Good job, Heigl. Good job.
Katherine Heigl has inexplicably managed to maintain relevance and fame despite the fact that she has consistently demonstrated that she is ungrateful for the amazing opportunities she has had throughout her career, as well as the fact that she is, in the most basic form, a hypocrite. The level of unabashed selfishness and disregard for the feelings of others that she achieves is pretty remarkable. So remarkable, in fact, that I’m rather surprised she’s never had a career in reality television.