Applebee’s Continues To Be The Best Restaurant In America

Mozzarella sticks have cheese, served with “red” sauce
by John O’Neill

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One fine Sunday afternoon I texted my clone to go on a date but tragically he was occupied. My second date plan did succeed however, so me and editor-in-chief Gibson Merrick took the bleak walk from Fordham library gate down to Applebee’s on Third Avenue. Applebee’s is an American tradition turned Bronx treat stuffed with as much good times propaganda and sports images as anyone could ever hope to see. I felt as though I was at some sort of second world mall with all of the poorly photoshopped patriotic Bronx themed laser imaged murals that abounded in the two story space. Also much like the second world, there were an abundant number of people in uniform, but few of them doing much of anything. We took a seat at the bar and waited a good ten to fifteen minutes before the bartender even noticed the two Adonis’s had arrived.

Upon finally being served, we sat and had an enjoyable talk about film as we looked around the interior space. Although the modernist structure that the restaurant is located in was built fairly recently and out of brick and concrete, the interior had an abundance of exposed stone wall next to the aforementioned patriotic murals. To quench our appetite, we ordered an appetizer of mozzarella sticks. They were fried and crispy and came with a marinara dipping sauce. The sauce tasted a lot like tomatoes with possibly another thing added to it in order to make it more akin to marinara. We were excited to eat them and definitely wanted to eat cheese but ultimately thought they may have passed the realm of too cheesy. We continued to sit at the bar and wait for our drinks.

Eventually the drinks came and we thanked the bartender for her service. We sat on the comfortable leather stools and drank our drinks. The leather was brown and fairly pleasing to the eyes. My ass was particularly comfortable when sitting on the brown leather. The margaritas came in large glasses made of clear glass. I don’t know if this had any sort of effect on the taste, but I did enjoy the drink. The margarita was very sweet and came with ice. Luckily for us, we ordered the glasses to be salted at the rim. The salt provided a nice salty accent to the otherwise sugary drink. I thought extensively of my desire to be with my clone as I drank my margarita and looked at Gibson’s large hairy head. Gibson was a good companion, although not as good as my clone. I suspect that if I had gone to Applebee’s with my clone then we would have been served sooner than we were with Gibson’s offensive face gruff.

The margaritas were sufficiently strong and the two of us had a pretty good buzz upon drinking them and finishing our mozzarella sticks. As I stared at Gibson I remembered that it has been months since I last had sexual intercourse. I also remembered that I hadn’t been gambling since this August when I went on a fun trip to Northwest Indiana with my friend Ike. The margaritas and mozzarella sticks were great idea starters and made me reflect deeply on my life as top 100 hits blasted over the in-house stereo pleasuring the ears of fellow diners. I thought that the fun blend of pop and hip-hop made me feel right at home in the vast post-industrial slum of the Bronx. I was actually enjoying myself so much that I ordered beer. The beer I ordered was called Blue Moon. I have never had it before, but after my profound and expletive-laden objections I was told that an orange is customary when drinking Blue Moon. I enjoyed drinking the beer. It, like the margarita, made me really miss my clone and even drove me to the point of texting him.

Ultimately Applebee’s is an expensive, dare I say overpriced experience. Gibson is a bad date, so I would recommend that nobody ever ask him to join them for drinks. The restaurant has nice wall texture and wood themed floors, so that is nice. Ultimately the restaurant had a good temperature and the lighting was inoffensive, so I would recommend everyone at Fordham go there. Although the mozzarella cheese sticks to our surprise were filled with cheese and not served with ketchup, I would still recommend going (although be sure to order french fries instead). Also, you cannot smoke indoors. The waitress told us the rule, I am unaware if it is a law, so we made sure to leave no tip. In conclusion, I would highly recommend Applebee’s before a day of thrifting in the Bronx.

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