Just When You Thought the paper Couldn’t Get Any Weirder

Meditations on cannibalism and the elusive human cutlet
by Gibson Merrick
Co Editor-in-Chief

Hannibal and cannibal rhyme.
Hannibal and cannibal rhyme.

If you had to guess, what would be the tastiest part of a human? Tongue? Thigh? Ass cheek? I ask because questions like these used to keep me up at night, naked and sweating, until I decided to do something about it. That’s right, I became a cannibal, and I haven’t looked back. Anyone who watches the news can tell you that cannibalism is one of the most hotly debated issues in our media today, and it’s not hard to understand why: man meat doesn’t come cheap. But no matter how many news outlets condemn it, I know there are others like myself out there, naked and sweating, just dying to know what it’s like to eat a fellow human being. So if you’re looking for some guidance on the subject, you’ve come to the right place. Read on, fellow cannibals, read on.

Before we get into things, we should take some time to dispel any negative preconceived notions you might have about eating human flesh. Did you know that cannibalism, known formally as anthropophagy, is actually perfectly legal in five of America’s states? If you said yes, congratulations, I tricked you. But that doesn’t mean cannibalism doesn’t exist in America or other parts of the world, because it does! In some of the more enlightened cultures, cannibalism was and is an accepted, even treasured way of life! In this post postmodern society we live in, is it really all that hard to accept that maybe eating your friend isn’t such a bad thing? Think for a second, if you could go back in time and eat Hitler and/or Stalin for the common good, wouldn’t you? But cannibalism can be more than just a social justice. In this writer’s humble opinion, eating people is so totally satisfying you can expect anywhere from three to three and a half flavor orgasms all at once. In other words, you can’t afford not to cannibalize.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, you should ask yourself what drew you to cannibalism in the first place. There are a number of reasons people choose to cannibalize, but the most popular reasons are honest-to-goodness curiosity, health reasons, or lifestyle choices. Don’t believe the myth that people only become anthropophagists only to survive because that’s the kind of stereotyping that can do some serious damage. Curiosity needs no explanation, we’ve all wondered about eating one or nine people, though too few have the audacity or lust for life to attempt it. But for some, cannibalism is all about staying healthy. Believe it or not, about 1 in every 1,000 people are allergic to every meat but human. For these people, obtaining a prescription for human meat can be a drawn out, disheartening affair, so many resort to alternative methods to obtain it (more on that later). What’s more, some people simply crave the cannibal lifestyle. You wouldn’t believe how many times that I’ve gotten laid (two, including one friendly misunderstanding) just because I mentioned that I like eating people. Finally, it’s not unheard of for some to use cannibalism as an outlet for grief, eating the bodies of their dead loved ones out of respect. Although eating an old person is about as satisfying as eating a leather couch, who are we to deny people their closure?

And now a word on taste. Depending on how it’s extracted, handled, packaged or cooked, human meat can taste like a variety of other meats. But to compare it to the likes of chicken, pork, or beef would be a disservice. That said, the taste of Slim Jims comes to mind. Remember earlier when I asked what the tastiest part of someone would be? Turns out its the spine meat! If given the choice, always spring for the extra-tender spine filet because it’s easily the most succulent. A single steak of human tenderloin can cost you between $400 and $500, but judicious buyers will taste what their money goes towards. For the economical buyer, the tongue and ass make for excellent substitutions. As a rule, avoid any meat from the neck or arm regions, as it tends to be tougher, especially in chronic masturbators.

If you’re strapped for cash (as so many of us college folk are), you’ll have to get creative. A sleeping roommate might seem like the perfect target for consumption, but can call negative attention to your eating habits. Think outside the box: if you know a friend in the lumber business, pay him or her a visit and shove em’ in a wood chipper; if you know a clam fisherman, you can use a sack of clams as a bludgeon. You’d be surprised how frequently wood chipper/ clam bludgeon accidents happen, and the list doesn’t end there. Know a mattress salesman? Crushed by mattresses. A natural history museum curator? Accidental dinosaur attack. Like I said, the list goes on and on. I suggest avoiding the consumption of homeless persons, mostly because they tend to contain higher-than-average mercury and heroin levels, which can negatively impact complexion and hairline.

Congratulations, you’re now a cannibal! In addition to its many culinary delights, the cannibal subculture is rich and exciting, filled with opportunities to socialize. Cannibal potlucks are all the rage right now among young couples, and cannibal bingo has always been popular with the older crowd. Search the internet for gatherings like these nearby, you’d be surprised who you’ll meet. Looking for a simple recipe? Liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Hannibal does it best.

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