A point-counterpoint argument over the caf’s favorite boxed beverage
by John O’Neill
Milk is a savory bovine nectar that I consider my undisputed favorite beverage. There is truly nothing finer than sipping on a glass of chilled milk on a hot summer day. Even in the depths of winter as I walk home from the D, I trundle and tussle through the teeming crowds of shoppers and pedestrians and imagine with glee sitting down at my kitchen table with a nice glass of milk. After an evening out on the town, nothing settles me like a reflective glass of milk. It truly is the most malleable of drinks – delicious and appropriate at any setting. Even the most dull and mundane of days can be transformed by a refreshing glass of milk. Worldwide, I am joined by 6 billion other milk drinkers and consumers of milk products.
Extracted from a variety of mammals, milk is a major source of food and drink for a substantial percentage of humanity. I have often been ridiculed by some – disgruntled people mostly – who make the audacious claim that milk is awful or gross. Those same ignorant hypocritical fools are at the same time avid consumers of things like cheese or ice cream.
Without milk how would man consume cereal? What better drink to compliment a sweet candy or snack of your choice than a refreshing glass of milk? I dare any being to stand up and challenge my assertion that milk is the perfect flavor assistant to nearly any meal. I seldom order milk at restaurants, I reserve myself to coffee, water or perhaps even a beer, but that is not born of any ill-will towards milk but of my own desire to conserve cash. The notion of paying two dollars for a glass of creamy joy when one could so easily bring their own gallon out for a mere $3.75 is beyond the realm of my ability to comprehend.
Drinking milk is also a very patriotic activity. The United States is the largest producer of cow milk in the world, and the largest consumer of that product. Nothing is so quintessentially American than picking up a gallon of milk. In the American tradition, milk is affordable delight through an elaborate system of vast farm subsidies. Healthy, patriotic, and packed with taste, milk is the ultimate drink. Even my own failed attempt at the gallon challenge left me unswayed from consumption. To conclude, all hail milk, the drink of kings.
by Will Speros
I’m not here to condemn milk. I, in fact, am a very big fan of milk within reason. It is nutritious, refreshing, and thoroughly enjoyable. However, I do not feel that it is a beverage that can nor should be enjoyed at any given time or place. Wandering into a staff meeting on a random Tuesday night while drinking from a cardboard carton of milk is not something I think everyone ought to do. Milk is fine, but after a long fulfilling day, it is not the first beverage that comes to mind when I think about getting to unwind. It probably does not even crack my top ten. I’d feel like an absolute weirdo ordering a glass of milk while I’m out to dinner with friends. In my opinion, there is a certain stigma of creepiness attached to milk.
Has anyone ever stopped and thought about the circumstances surrounding the discovery of milk? What would have compelled someone who wasn’t into bestiality to simply tug at the utters of a cow? Honestly, some fucking dude was probably getting weird and freaky with a cow, and, during his disturbing pursuits of pleasure with the animal, discovered that utters squirt milk. The whole thought just makes me squirm.
In addition to its unsettling origins, I often associate milk with movie villains. Christoph Waltz’s Nazi from Inglorious Basterds indulges in a nice glass of milk before maliciously murdering a family of Jews hiding under the floorboards. I’m also pretty sure that there’s a scene in Schindler’s List where Amon Goeth enjoys some milk, but I do not have the time or resources to properly research this. But I’m pretty sure I’m right. My point is that I get creeped out by people who readily drink milk at any time of day and I think they’re secretly Nazis.
Unlike some people I know, who are avid defenders of all things dairy, I did not grow up in the midwest within miles of the nearest dairy farm. Instead, I grew up in the suburbs of Washington, DC, and willingly drank a glass or two of skim milk at every dinner. I have only seen a handful of cows in person in my life, which is maybe why I lack the deep appreciation for milk that my midwestern chums have. I have never done a gallon challenge because I am not a masochist. Plus, Sodexo beats away at my bowels on a daily basis anyway, and if their boxed milk hasn’t fully killed my appreciation for the beverage, I’m fairly certain a gallon challenge would.
Drink your milk, kids. There’s nothing wrong with it. Just don’t drink whole milk out of a box in our fucking cafeteria like an idiot.