The paper’s History Channel

Do you remember when people watched The History Channel to learn about history? Because lately, perhaps because all decent topics have been taken, it has become an historical embarrassment. With shows like “American Eats: History on a Bun,” “Hairy Bikers,” “Hitler’s Women,” and “Sex in the Ancient World” already in existence, we’ve decided to come up with our own ideas for future History Channel shows.

The History Channel
Rednecks’ Holy Hog Crusade
by Gibson Merrick
With a tagline like “History made every day,” you might be tempted to ask for some nice television documentaries about current events, but then how would you ever get to appreciate the wonderful yokels of the American South? Here’s my pitch: follow a family of Alabaman pig farmers as they attempt to convert all of Alabama’s swine to Christianity. Combine Swamp People’s gritty, heart-pounding realism with the heartwarming and inspirational aspects of the Holy Bible. This show will be great for a number of reasons: deep south Christians will watch it, Jesus will be happy, and the faithful pigs will earn themselves a spot in heaven (which means more heaven BBQs for us, am I right?). I see the show running for at least three seasons, then you can create a spinoff where one of the ranchers enters the Iditarod Sled Dog race to compete for $100,000. The catch: he must Christianize his dogs before he reaches the finish line, or else he’ll be forced to fight a starved bear to the death.

Barney’s Extinction
by Zoe Sakas
Features and List Editor
Is anyone else wondering exactly what happened to everyone’s favorite purple anthropormorphic Tyrannosaurus rex? For anyone who doesn’t remember, Barney & Friends was a children’s television show from the 90s that taught kids how to love. Life lessons including “sharing is caring,” “honesty is the best policy,” and “cleaning up is for everybody” were the central aspects of this inspirational series. However, PBS has not been airing new episodes of Barney & Friends for years now. The History Channel would gain the attention of thousands of confused Barney fans, like myself, if they could explain why Barney disappeared. Rumors vary from Barney swearing on air, to touching children inappropriately, to dying, all of which would be extremely disappointing. But the truth must be told! If the extinction of dinosaurs millions of years ago is important enough to discuss today, then I think we can all agree that Barney’s disappearence should also be explained.

Kahn: Last Conqueror
Sofi Muñoz
News Co-Editor
The marvels of modern science have revealed that an astounding 1 in 200 men are direct descendant of prolific Mongol conqueror Genghis Kahn. My History Channel show tracks down his descendants, trains them in traditional Mongol warfare, and pits them against each other, chronicling their journey to become…The Last Conqueror. Recruits are taken to a training camp high in the Mongolian mountains, forced to bathe in the icy waters of the Orkhon River, and only allowed to eat Mongolian beef for 6 months until they are deemed to be…The Last Conqueror material. Obviously, there are a great deal of struggles and identity crises on the way, but what would a History Channel show be without drama? Next, contestants battle in the style of “Deadliest Warrior” until there is only one man standing…The Last Conqueror. Since there are 16 million men who can claim Genghis Khan as their forefather, there is an endless pool of candidates to draw from – and thus endless seasons. So if you are the kind of person who gets addicted to a show and lays in bed all weekend plowing through episodes on Netflix, get ready for infinite seasons of gritty Mongolian warfare with a healthy dose of drama.

Deadliest Toll Booth
Connor O’Brien
News Co-Editor
Deadliest Toll Booth puts one of the most exciting professions ever known to man, tollbooth operator, in the spotlight. It combines the drama of the Real Housewives series with the intrigue and novelty of Swamp People. These American heroes put their lives on the line every day in the name of raising diminutive taxes, but the show introduces the idea that the booth operator who collects the most money over the course of a month will win a cushion for their metal folding chairs. Since they regularly pull 12-16 hour shifts, the competition gets heated very easily.

Things really get desperate when Chubbs, the most senior member of the team at US-94 S near the Wisconsin-Illinois border, hires his friends to drive their cars into the other booths in order to damage the change bowl/kill his colleagues. His archrival, Glenda, constantly uses her sex appeal as the only female tollbooth worker to sway people to come to her lane with her exposed 38 EEE’s, causing dozens of accidents in the process.

Liz O’Malley
Co Editor-in-Chief
If I were to make my own History Channel show, I would do a series that traced the origins of popular curse words, from their inception to the public conscious and the negative connotations they’ve incurred, to the censorship they continue to provoke. This show would aim at discussing etymology, but more particularly the ways in which words transgress their meanings.

A lot words in the English language are more offensive to hear than actual “swear words” but aren’t considered offensive. Like cunnilingus. Or smegma. Or something as harmless as smear. The show would also cover historical uses of “bad” words, and the consequent punishments for using foul language that have been enacted in the past.

Since no show is complete without a title, I would call this one Bleeeeeeeeeeeeep.

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