EXCLUSIVE: Leaked Videos, Reports Reveal Existence of Dangerous Robotics Project

We at the paper and the internet are self-aware enough to know that our primary reason for existing is not to provide a legitimate outlet for investigative journalism.  We are here mostly to serve up sophomoric scat jokes to a small readership of overprivileged university students and, to a somewhat lesser extent, continuously antagonize the administration of a not terribly well-known private college in the northeast.  Still, we have an ethical obligation to publicize the following disconcerting information, recently brought to our attention by a source who has, understandably, asked to remain anonymous. What we can tell you is that sometime within the last twelve to twenty-four hours, this source put down his alcohol long enough to open up a new tab on our laptop and show us these videos:

Aside from the casual cultural appropriation and nightmare robot face featured in the first video, there does not appear to be anything alarming about these experiments.  However, once we insert the missing link (brought to our attention by the same source), the chilling picture comes into focus:

I'm sorry, Dave. I can't not eat your deliciously crispy, salty flesh.

[Robot Identifies Human Flesh as Bacon]

Yes, it appears that the international scientific community— or at least the international robotics community— secretly supports and is actively working towards voluntary human extinction.  We would expect a Pulitzer for this revelation, but we know that the reach of robotic arms can be very, very, very long.

–Emily Genetta

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