the best of The Ram’s security briefs: vol. I

Patrick Derocher, The Ram’s resident security briefer (which means he pretty much copy and pastes security reports into a small column on page 2 (which is also sort of how he writes all of his news articles, except with press releases)), has delighted me with two simple amazing entries in The Ram‘s 17th issue.

The first: A single sentence report that seems to capture the essence of professional sports fans, and Fordham bros in particular. Derocher writes:

“Oct. 23, Finlay Hall, 4 a.m.

A student reported that another student punched him in the nose for being a Yankees fan.”

Amazing. The simplicity retains a laconic tone, yet imparts to the reader everything they need to know. There was a drunk guy. He was not a Yankees fan. He saw another drunk guy. This other drunk guy was a Yankees fan. The first drunk guy punched the second drunk guy because of this.

A ridiculous part of me wants there to always be a report exactly like the above in future issues of The Ram, indicating an alcoholic Yankees hater patrols Rose Hill after Howl, exacting pain on fans of the Bronx Bombers because to some sort of crazed vigilante/super villain (dependent upon your subjective view of the Yanks) fantasy.

The second: This one is also quite brilliant. The incident in question makes the case that all Fordham students, no matter what their background, are inept tourists on one really long holiday.

Oct. 23, E. 189th Street and Cambreleng Avenue, 1 am

A student and his friend engaged a group of local residents and began playing football with them. One of their new acquanitances [sic] asked to use the student’s Blackberry. When the student gave it to him, the man fled the scene [Ed. note: wow! really?]. Another male engaged the student and his friend in a game of slap boxing, which escalated into punches being thrown. One of the students suffered a small welt over his eye.”

I don’t know if Derocher knows it, but he’s stumbled over security brief gold with this one. I think we may have found Fordham’s dumbest students. Whoever these two are, they are fools of Shakespearian proportions. First, the naivety of accepting a challenge to a game of football. Under normal circumstances, playing football with your neighbors can be a wholehearted experiences; friends can be made, relationships forged. At 1 am? You’re probably going to a. be the object of verbal humiliation or b. get your ass mugged.

Next, there is the student’s decision to, after being asked, hand his Blackberry over to a complete stranger. No body deserves to have their property stolen. But when someone acts so ineptly, almost actively trying to get mugged, it’s really hard to feel sorry for them.

And, finally, the coup de grace. The slap boxing issue. When someone, anyone, your mother or father or a complete stranger, for instance, asks you to enter into a slap boxing match with them, you respectfully decline.


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