College Professor Being Sued For Telling It Like It Is

We here at the paper are a crafty lot, while most people believe that our existence hinges upon Free Speech being upheld to the T; in actuality we can say whatever we want because we’re always fucking right and you (should you ever, ever disagree) are always fucking wrong. As far as we’re concerned, everything that we write and everything we think is fucking gospel and that’s absolutely final. And if you don’t like it, go back to reading USA Today, ya fuckin’ Tobias.

the paper woud like to present John Matteson this Medal for bravery in fighting in America's great culture war.
the paper woud like to present John Matteson this Medal for bravery in fighting in America's great culture war.

This brings me to tonight’s sure to be hot button discussion topic: a professor called a student a “fascist bastard” in class after some little fascist bastard attempted to give an anti-gay marriage speech at Los Angeles City College. The student, Jonathan Lopez, was berated by his hot-headed professor, John Matteson, who cut him off during the speech, wrote: “Ask God what your grade is” on his final evaluation and generally bullied the little snot out of an actual discourse in an institution for higher learning. Does any of that strike you as insane? Maybe we need to stock up on these kinds of outspoken wing nuts in our educational systems so as to prevent kinds from growing up like Chad Ciocci and embarrassing themselves in print weekly. Nothing could sound as sane as that, am I right? As far as I’m concerned we as a nation should be giving this asshole an award, maybe the Congressional Medal of Honor, or at least a Golden Globe!

The only problem with any and all of this is that without conservative quasi-pundits polluting our fair school’s more “respected” rag with godless, anti-American stupid-speak, what the hell would we have to complain about? I honestly don’t know what I would write about if we didn’t have our good friends over at the Fordham Liberty Forum! And that, my friends, is why, despite the fact that we are always 100% unarguably correct about everything 100% of the time (typos and grammar excluded, of course), we need free speech so that people like Dougie Kohn can rhetorically fall on his ass on-line and in print, and we can safely make fun of him from our infallible pulpit in the sky. As for this professor, his major crime wasn’t telling that little jerk the God’s Honest Truth! His crime was taking the fun out of entering into a free spirited back and forth with the little fascist bastard.

That is what Free Speech means to me. Goodnight, and God Bless the United States of America.

-Charles

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