Beating Off: The New Way To Increase Your Risk Of Prostate Cancer

Maybe Mom was right about keeping our hands out of our pants after all.

A report published earlier this week claims that males in their 20’s and 30’s who beat it to the tune of 2 to 7 times per week have an increased risk of developing prostate cancer before the age of 60.

Nooooo!
Surprise.

The findings published Tuesday in Britain revealed that those of us who are able to show a little restraint from time to time showed an almost 80% percent less chance of catching the cancer bug

Conversely, the study found that if you can  hold off on really going to town until you’re 50, incessant masturbation can actually help flush out some toxins that can cause other health problems in older males.

Men in their 40’s received little to no effects from their self pleasure practices, aside, of course, for self pleasure.

Most importantly, the study found no conclusive link between sexual activity and prostate cancer.

Translation = Keep on boning Fordham!

In a related story, assholes like  Jim Nicholls, Pastor of the True Christian Church of Christ in Blytheville, Arkansas,.who have been claiming all along that good, old fashioned alone time is really just the work of the devil, would have had another piece of evidence to add to their attack on self love if, you know, they actually believed in science.

And this time it might have had just a shred of credibility, as opposed to the obvious dirty connections between liberals, violence, and excessive masturbation purported by Mr. Nicholls:

My friend, if you ever had any doubt that Masturbation, Violence and Liberalism are the inseparable causes of the current Assault on America!

MASTURBATION EQUALS VIOLENCE! How can any honest person believe otherwise in the face of the overwhelming evidence presented here? The one thing that the authors of these messages have in common, other than the fact that they are all seething powderkegs of homicidal fury, is that they all MASTURBATE!

LIBERALISM EQUALS VIOLENCE! Note well the Liberal political philosophies parroted by so many of these diatribes! This proves more than ever that ALL Liberal political movements, including Feminism, Communism, Kalistaism, Vegetarianism, the Democratic Party and the current “Peace” movement, are nothing but violent death cults fueled by the evil hatred that comes from Chronic Masturbation! Can anything be more chilling than a warning that you are on a list of victims to be “killed by people with open minds and accepting personalities?”

Pete

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