Watching an episode of the awesome BBC version of Planet Earth the other night, I noted on the lack of empathy I had for a school of bait fish being herded and eaten by both dolphins and sea birds at the same time. Seriously, these motherfuckers were just going at it. The dolphins were all giggly and shit. They didn’t even need to eat the fish, it was like watching some sadistic underwater ethnic cleansing in process. Then I realized that fish are terrible, and to see them being eaten by larger and more efficient species was awesome and extremely entertaining (unlike watching the seals being eaten by the FLYING SHARKS, which was sad…so sad 😥 ).
After a revitalizing sleep filled with dreams of dugongs and frigate birds, I decided to check out the crazy on my second favorite crazy liberal blog (the Internet, of course, being number one), The Huffington Post, where Arianna had posted a news story about PETA launching a marketing campaign to rebrand fish as “sea kittens.” At first, I was pissed. Like the time they tried to get Ben & Jerry’s to make their ice cream out of fucking breast milk, PETA was again up to some batshit crazy scheme to convince us humanoids to be more “humane” in our dietary choices (“humane” is for pussies, bro!). However, after a few moments I began to understand and even appreciate the idea. I “rolled” with it, some might say. Kittens are great and all, but sometime they are real assholes. Everyone knows puppies rule, and sometimes kittens need to be put into their place. So then I thought “rename fish sea kittens? all the more better to eat them with my big fat mouth!”
This time, I hope PETA’s latest brand of histrionics winds up succeeding so that every time I sit down to a plate of tasty smoked salmon or a steak of swordfish, I can tell my black and loveless heart I am about to devour a kitten (which is what I will be doing from now on, no matter what). Thanks PETA, your attention whoring bullshit has finally made my dining experience a little bit better. Next, I propose that we “rebrand” cows and call them all Rush Limbaugh. The likeness is uncanny!