Historical Losers Cap Off Historic Turn-Around Season With Historic Loss

     Ousted quarterback Chad Pennington spends his newfound freetime with his dog, Bubbles.
Quarterback Chad Pennington spends his new found free time with his dog, Bubbles.

Cinematic excuse makers and historical losers, the Miami Dolphins, managed to turd their way out of the post season today, getting their eggs thoroughly scrambled by the Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens came out onto the field like a pack of cortisone fueled murderers, forcing five savage turnovers in their 27-9 trouncing of the boys in baby blue.  Chad Pennington looked like a little boy lost as he coughed up the pigskin a glorious four times, while his special teams unit managed to botch the extra point on his lone TD pass.

Roger Goodell must be crying in his light beer after this weekend proved what the entire nation had known all along: that all of these teams were inferior to the righteous kings of the grid-iron, the New England Patriots.

Commenting on the downfall of the mercurial duds from down south was fictional Dolphin’s historian, Mrs. Finkel:

It was all that Dan Marino’s fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?

One thought

  1. Ray Finkle-Soccer style kicker graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname “The Mule,” the first and only pro-athlete ever to come out of Collier County and one hell of a model American.

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