2008’s Purr-fect Season

This Lion was later mercy killed to make an exotic rug.
This Lion was later mercy killed to make an exotic rug.

Many people wanted to see Daunte Culpepper return to Pro Football, and to his credit; he almost made it.  With today’s loss to my Green Bay Packers, the Football Lions of Detroit have emerged as the biggest flock of  shit-geese in the eighty-eight year history of the NFL.  The Lions have long been regarded as the semi-retarded red-headed fifth stepchild of Pro Football, but even their previous reputation as a pack of heavily padded Trig Palins has been surpassed today as they become the first team in NFL history to go 0-16.  Years ago, as documented in George Plimpton’s Paper Lion, Lions quarterback Bobby Layne lead the Lions to three NFL championships, but when the team traded him to Pittsburgh in 1958 he promised the team 50 years of nothing but genital shark attacks and busted draft picks, and Bobby Layne gets his fucking wishes.

More Lion taming (plus a vid) after the jump.

This season, the Lions eclipsed the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who lost 14 games in their inaugural season as an expansion franchise.  The Bucs didn’t win a game for two seasons, but to be fair they had a player pool pulled from an expansion draft of rookies, has-beens, never weres and mental institution castoffs.  The Detroit Lions, one of the oldest franchises in the NFL, has consistently shit the bed season after season, leading to fantastic draft picks that let the Lions choose players that were garbage (Andre Ware), squandered (Calvin Johnson), or traded (Mike Williams).

Rumor has it that Henry Ford II, chairman of Ford Motor Company (another winning franchise, but that’s not for now), gave his less than competent brother William Clay Ford the Detroit Lions to ensure he stayed away from the family company.  While Henry got his wish, Bill Ford has been a truly terrible owner.  While by all accounts a friendly and decent man, his refusal to fire the people responsible for Detroit’s perennial losing seasons has left the Detroit Lions covered in leeches, hustlers and grifters, anything but talent.  One example is Matt Millen, a standout pro linebacker who, during his seven year tenure as General Manager guided the Lions to an abysmal 31-84 record, including three consecutive seasons without a road win.  Responding to this, the Ford family was reported to have said Millen was the best GM they’d ever had.

This. But in Detroit. And in English.
This. But in Detroit. And in English.

Things suck for Detroit right now.  The American Auto industry is on the verge of collapse, crime runs rampant, there is abject poverty, the fucking mayor of the city is in jail.  The best things to come out of Detroit in the past five years were the Red Wings winning an NHL championship and Four Brothers, and the second of those is about how shitty it is to live in Detroit.  The last thing a thriving metropolis like Detroit needs is to have the worst team in history.  At this rate they’ll shoot an Escape from New York remake set in Detroit in the present day.  Sorry, Tim Taylor, the set of Tool Time was burned to the ground in an effort for Binford Tools to reclaim the insurance money.

Apparently Detroit Lions head coach Willie Loman told the team to consider that their team photo could be going to the NFL Hall of Fame as the losingiest team in history.  This did not inspire them to a win.  At one press conference Loman (whose real name is Rod Marinelli), gave a speech to the collected sport’s media saying “I believe in the invisible”.  Well Coach, the invisible didn’t show up for you, congratulations on owning the suck.

S.

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