We damn dirty liberals do loves us some blogging. But the drawback with blogs is that anyone can have one, how do you know that the blog is credible? That we’re not reading some glue-huffing, cat food-eating wastrel’s paranoid schizophrenic misinterpretation of current events? Well, you don’t, so, in order to make ourselves even more credible than we are, we at the paper built ourselves a situation room (slash zombie defense bunker). Now we’re up against a pretty strong field. CNN earlier today projected a hologram interview and have a giant electoral touch screen roughly the size of Rhode Island. Touché CNN. Fox News has a zero gravity vacuum where it is literally impossible to generate spin. Some sort of No Spin Zone. MSNBC almost has viewers. So we here at the paper decided to make a situation room that would put all other situation rooms (and panic rooms) to shame. Firstly, we have installed live feeds from every polling station in the United States. 13,000 feeds into 200 televisions, each approximately 2 inches in diameter, that gradually changes color into a giant mural of the projected winner. Your move, Blitzer.
More infrequency after the jump.
Secondly, while our order of flag pins has been delayed due to election day shortages, we did
manage to pick up several cases of delicious Budweiser American Ale, while Budweiser lager (Bud Hev to those “in the know”) is a barely passable bottom shelf beer, American Ale almost lives up to the potential belayed by its sizeable price tag. This is the exclusive feeder of our large Bald Eagle aviary, and these giant, drunk, hook-beaked birds of prey are ready to mobilize against our enemies abroad at a moments notice.
The rest of our situation room is what some experts are calling “government classified”, apparently referring to alien death rays and gender reversal pills that would disconcert some of our more conservative peers… But, whether or not we do have a thousand monkeys typing for a thousand years to try to get out shakespeare and next week’s issue, we’re here to spread the love.
Currently-Obama 202, McCain 114 with the midwest and west waiting to report, and we’re watching The Daily Show.
[Sprindis Burps. Exit Stage Left.]