McCain v. Obama: The Grudge Match Without Preconditions

With Tuesday, November 4th fast approaching millions of Americans will be making their way to the local church, school, community center to fulfill their civic duties. If your anything like me then you still have no idea which candidate is the better of the two. Despite watching every debate, convention, and countless hours of the omniscient Bill O’Reilly I still don’t know which candidate is the right choice. As a result I’ve decided to make my decision on a much more important topic, sports. Yesterday I had the pleasure of talking to each of the candidates about their athletic and managing abilities in an array of sporting competitions.

Air-bama
Air-bama

Leadership is an important presidential quality, perhaps the most important. To test candidates’s leadership ability I had them create a baseball team. On each team were the candidates most trusted advisors. For Obama he began with what he thought was most important, the general manager. But he didn’t want just one person as his general manager, but rather a team of general managers. He explained that his team of GMs would fundraise across the country through websites, e-mail, direct-mail, and robocalls. According to his calculations he would be able to buy the New York Yankees within two months, an impressive feat. McCain went an entirely different route. He hesitated at first, and then with great confidence McCain stated, “at my various estates there is a lot of ‘help’, these helpers are not just committed to the upkeep of my sweet mansions but also have a second job playing baseball for the Tampa Bay Rays.” McCain wins this one in easily.

The Next Round Of Presidential Olympics After The Jump

Obama’s been heavily criticized for his lack of foreign policy experience. Many Americans question his ability to defend this country from a terrorist attack. To test his ability to defend our country against foreigners, I took a foreign sport (soccer), and ripped 10 penalty shots at each candidate. To level the playing field, no shots were higher than the shoulders. McCain lacked the agility to go from side to side, while Obama had trouble grasping the concept of a foreign sport. In the end only one shot was saved, by Obama’s left ear.

With each candidate tied at one win apiece I decided to change gears for the grand finale. Candidates chose a specific event from their preferred sport. Obama chose first to play a game of H-O-R-S-E but changed the name to D-O-N-K-E-Y. The game started off as expected, with Obama building a nice D-O-N-K lead. But then McCain, being the crafty veteran, took a page out of Wilt Chamberlain’s book. He stepped to the foul line and let go of an underhanded shot. Obama was stunned; McCain used his disabled shoulders to his advantage. Obama was none to pleased, but McCain missed the game clincher and opened the door for an Obama comeback. With the game all tied up Obama nailed an NBA length three pointer exclaiming “that’s oversight bitch!” McCain lost the game but still had a chance to tie it up.

McCain (Bottom Row, 2nd from left) is so old he was born before color.
McCain (Bottom Row, 2nd from left) was born before color.

 

After the basketball game McCain began to disrobe. At first it was very uncomfortable but we soon discovered he had a one-piece wrestling unitard on. Of course, the one time wrestling standout at Episcopal High School during the 1950s would return to his roots. McCain looked like a rabid dog…with a raging hard-on (still not sure as to why), while Obama looked downright scared. Without warning McCain bull charged Obama, it was a familiar scene to any Yankee or Red Sox fan that remembers the Don Zimmer, Pedro Martinez incident. After failing to tackle Obama, McCain collected himself and prepared for another charge. Obama was now confident in his ability to beat-up a crippled 72 year-old-man. McCain came in for another tackle, but right before he got to Obama dropped to his left knee and shot-in. Obama had no idea what happened. In a matter of seconds McCain was on top of Obama, pummeling the shit out of him, screaming “you black bastard I’ll show you what change looks like!”

In the end there was only one man standing, the Senator from Arizona. However, I must say both candidates lacked the feel of what a President embodies. Neither carried themselves with class or dignity, winning was all that mattered. I guess it’s all moot, seeing how I’m not even registered to vote. To me the most important right we have as citizens is not the right to vote, but the right to choose weather or not to vote. Oh and Obama shit himself, it was gross.

-Devin McNamara

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