Ghost Rider and Lesbian Theory

First of all, there is not one ounce of “lesbian theory” in Ghost Rider.  In fact, I am not even sure if something called “lesbian theory” even exists, but Nicholas Cage’s portrayal of an aging lesbian motorcyclist in GR is so strikingly realistic that I feel its about time “lesbian theory” start to be approached as a legitimate form of teaching in American academia.  That is, of course, if it hasn’t already.

More Ghost Ridin’ after the jump

Anyways, Ghost Rider, the 2007 comic book flick staring good ol’ Nicky Cage, is without a doubt the most disgustingly awful movie ever made.  It is so bad that any critical analysis of GR must be done is such a slapdash manner that any and all actual criticisms must amount to nothing more than weak half-baked brain-farts peppered with second grade potty words and rediculous terms like “lesbian theory.”  It is one of those films that absolutely must be watched by all, so that we can see just how ridiculously idiotic the human imagination can be, and how said examples of true failure on behalf of humanity can push other members of society to commit heinous acts of douchebaggery.  Case in point, the next few hundred words that follow:

[as read by Sam Elliot]

Johnny Blaze is a good ol’ boy from that place in America where books are used to warm houses and Jimmy Carter is actually a delicacy made from combining a big-mac with a belgium waffle (Texas, or something), and he knows what its like to experience true pain.  Ya see, Johnny Blaze and his poppa, Poppa Blaze, ride the motorcycle.  But, ya see, they don’t just ride the motorcycle, they ride it up ramps and through hoops and over the heliccopter and such.  Johnny Blaze was just a youngin’ when his Poppa got the cancer, and Johnny Blaze had to sell his soul to tha’ devil inordata cure Poppa Blaze of the cancer.  But (stupid Johnny Blaze!) the devil is a tricky sonabitch who certainly ain’t gonna cure just nobody from the cancer without some major incentives on his behalf.  So tha devil actually cures Poppa Blaze from the cancer, but it don’ matter cause Poppa Blaze takes a dive and crashes his mo-tor-cycle through the fire circle (stupid poppa blaze!).

 

How'd it get buuurned?

So then Johnny Blaze goes on to become a famous motorcycle-ridin’ ramp-jumpin’ feller, but not just any famous motorcycle-ridin’ ramp-jumpin’ feller, he becomes the most famousest motorcyle-ridin’ ramp-jumpin’ feller.  Anyways, so JB (thas Johnny Blaze for you city folk out there) is still mighty sore over the fact that the devil cured his paw of the cancer, but didn’t prevent his paw from crashing his motorcylce to the fire circle.  JB just cant seem to unerstan’ (thats understand for you city folk out there) the finer points of contracteral obligations.  So the devil comes back one night, and JB is all “hey man, (points finger) what the shit is your problem, dude?”  an’ the devils all, “listen Johnny, you really need to understand that I only agreed to cure your father’s cancer, and that I was in no way responsible for your father’s preservation after that point in time.  I know it sucks that your dad died, literally just a few hours after I cured his cancer, but it takes different strokes to move the world.”  So then Johnny, he’s all, “lissen ta me (points finger), your a dick!”  To bad for Johnny, the devil actually is quite a dick, and he makes Johnny’s head ‘splode into a firey man skull.

So the devil tells Johnny that he can have his soul back, but only on the condition that Johnny murders the devil’s faggy son, whos fucking everyones shit up, and jus so happens a’ be that feller from the Kevin Spacey movie where he smokes pot and works at a fast food store.  So JB is jus ridin’ his chopper one night, his head all ablaze with the fury of Hell, his heart all ablaze with the fury of Eva Mendezz, and his weiner all ablaze with the fury of the chlamidia, an’ he sees this total dick named Blackheart, who is the devil’s son, and perhaps the cheapest characther to choose in MARVEL SUPERHEROS VS. STREETFIGHTER. Ya see, this total douche is trying to do some fucked up shit, now I ain’t quite sure what kinda’ fucked up shit ona’ count of all the firewater I been drinkin’, but I know thats it’s fucked up, cause this total shithead makes people turn to ice and kills them.  So JBs all, “hey

Ghost Rider...Get it? Ah, fuck you.
Ghost Rider...Get it? Ah, fuck you.

man, I’m the Ghost Rider, and your a total dick! Suck my (points finger) BALLS!”

 

So then theres this huge fight, with fire an’ brimestone hailin’ down from the heavens, and JB talkin’

all honkey tonk, and Blackheart talkin’ all faggy ona’ counta’ his proper educatin’ and such.  And then I come in there with my head all ablaze and my horse breathin fire an’ shit, and I’m all “I dig your style, dude,” and I give JB this totally badass shotgun, to which he replies “thanks man (points finger) I won’t forget this in the sequel.”  Long story short, JB kicks that dick’s ass, and he’s all “fuck!” and JBs all “(points finger) I’m (points finger) the Ghost (points finger) Rid-(finger)-er.”

So thats pretty much it.

-Sam Elliot.

 

That's all for now, folks. Thanks for reading.
That's all for now folks, thanks for reading.

2 thoughts

  1. True beauty, my good man, is in the eye of the beholder, and as long as that eye is always mine…well, you can go fuck yourself

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